Setting Healthy Boundaries in a Relationship

What Are Relationship Boundaries?

Relationship boundaries help you understand what you’re both comfortable with in the relationship, your limits, and what you think is okay and not okay within the relationship. They represent the expectation you have within the relationship.

Why Are Boundaries Important in a Relationship?

Boundaries are important in a relationship because they help you avoid conflict with your partner in the future. Setting boundaries at the beginning of a relationship paves the way for a healthy relationship where you can understand each other and not have doubts about what the other person is doing.

Having this conversation while you’re still dating, or at least at the beginning of the relationship, is also important to prioritize because it will help you avoid a fast breakup or disappointment.

Benefits of Having Relationship Boundaries

1- Avoid problems in the future.

Having boundaries in your relationship helps you avoid problems in the future because you’re clear on what you expect from one another. Nothing has been left to assumptions, which is often what causes an issue, you’ve addressed what your expectations are and what you think is disrespectful, and you both plan on keeping those things present in your minds.

You may experience other kinds of problems within your relationship, but an issue having to do with your boundaries will not be one of them.

2- Better communication.

Having boundaries allows for better communication in your relationship because it will prevent either of you from overstepping. It’s easy to fall into a pattern of asking too much or wanting to know everything that’s going on in your partner’s life, but it’s not healthy, and it should be avoided.

When you have boundaries in place, this doesn’t happen. Instead, you respect when your partner feels like sharing and how much they want to share.

3- Show commitment from the beginning.

Talking about boundaries before starting a relationship shows that you are really interested in that person and are committed to them from the beginning. This conversation isn’t necessarily a light conversation to have.

You’re going to address things that you’re not comfortable with happening, and you’re going to have to be vulnerable with that person and open up about what really bothers you and what you’re okay with. So if you want to go through those feelings and have this conversation, it means something.

4- Allows you to build a stronger relationship.

It may seem basic, or perhaps some people view it as the opposite and think it’s unnecessary to have this conversation. However, it builds a stronger relationship with the person you’re with. There are no gaps for things to slip through and misunderstandings to occur.

Everything is out on the table, and there is no reason to have small things be interpreted the wrong way because since you’ve established boundaries, you know you can trust your partner.

5- You can be independent of one another.

Setting boundaries allows more independence from your partner. When you don’t communicate what you think is acceptable and unacceptable in the relationship, you’re often worried about what’s going to happen when you’re not with your partner because you know that they’re not aware of the boundaries you may have. It creates trust issues and can place a lot of doubt in your mind.

This can then lead to more arguments and issues in the relationship because you’re more on edge since you’re trying to fill in the blanks on your own instead of clarifying with your partner. So the best thing to do is to sit down and have a conversation about your boundaries, and a lot of issues will be avoided.

Types of Boundaries

There are many types of boundaries in a relationship, and each one is important to talk about so you know what the correct thing to do is and so your partner knows as well.

Physical boundaries.

Physical boundaries don’t necessarily have to do with the body; they have to do with tangible things and spaces. It’s important to set physical boundaries not only so your body is respected, but your space is also respected. Boundaries related to physical touch could be that you don’t always want to be holding hands or that you don’t want to kiss in public, for example.

These are things that you don’t feel comfortable with or need more space with, and that’s okay. Another type of physical boundary that is important to establish is the one having to do with your space. For example, if you live together, perhaps you want a space that is your own, somewhere you can go to when you need to clear your mind or be by yourself.

Establishing this space and communicating that to your partner establishes a boundary, so they know to respect that.

Emotional boundaries.

Emotional boundaries are all about respecting how you feel about certain things, if you want to talk about something, and how you react to things. Setting emotional boundaries is important, so your partner understands when you want to discuss something or when you’re just not ready to talk about it. It’s also important so he can respect how you feel about something and understand that you have natural reactions to things and that those are to be accepted.

Time boundaries.

These boundaries are all about giving each other an adequate amount of space. Some people like spending more time alone and even need it to function well with others. It’s important to talk about this and set your boundaries, so you don’t spend too much time with that person and start feeling burnt out from seeing them.

Other people need to spend more time with their partner, and that’s also a boundary that can be set. You can talk about how you need to spend a certain amount of time together to feel fulfilled.

Material boundaries.

Material boundaries are boundaries you set about your personal belongings, if you wish to share things, if it bothers you, if your partner uses something that is yours, and things like that.

How to Set Healthy Boundaries in a Relationship

Tell him you want to talk about setting a boundary.

The first step to setting a boundary in your relationship is communicating that you want to do so. This doesn’t need to feel like a hassle or like a difficult conversation to have. Bring it up in a very casual way, and make sure your partner wants to have this conversation too.

Talk about setting time aside for both.

Talk about setting some time aside to think about what he needs, what he thinks is right and wrong, and what he would like in the relationship. His wants and needs are equally as important as yours, and you both need to take time to think about these things. Perhaps it’s a conversation you have in one sitting, or perhaps you think of little things here and there, and it’s a conversation that happens spontaneously throughout different days.

Really listen to each other.

Remember, you shouldn’t have this conversation if you’re not ready for it, and you shouldn’t feel like it’s a hassle to talk about the boundaries you want. When you have this conversation, you need to be in a good headspace to really listen to each other and understand what each of you is asking.

Come to an agreement.

It’s very important that you’re on the same page throughout the conversation, and if you’re not, you agree to disagree and respect each other regardless. There may be some things you want that the other person doesn’t agree with.

However, they will likely respect your wishes if it’s really important to you. Remember not to assume that you are on the same page about your boundaries and to fully clarify what you accept and agree to.

Write it down, so you both remember.

Writing down the agreement you’ve come to is important, so you have something to look back on if you’re unsure about something that comes up, and so that if you are arguing about a boundary that wasn’t respected, you can look back on what you agreed to and settle who made a mistake.

What Happens When You Don’t Set Boundaries?

Setting boundaries brings a lot of good to a relationship, and the lack of boundaries can cause the following issues:

• No respect. Lack of boundaries in a relationship can make you feel disrespected, not because they intentionally disrespect you, but because you didn’t communicate how certain things made you feel, so your partner didn’t know that they would affect you negatively.
• Frequent fights or misunderstandings. It’s very easy to fight with your partner and encounter several misunderstandings when there is a lack of boundaries because you don’t have a reference of what is unacceptable to your partner.
• Unhealthy habits and toxic traits. Not setting boundaries can create unhealthy habits within your relationships and make you both develop toxic traits or controlling behaviors because you don’t fully trust your partner.

Summing it up, it is very important to establish boundaries in your relationship and ensure you’re not taking advantage of the boundaries you set. You don’t want them to become boundaries that are controlling. The goal is for the boundaries you set in your relationship to help you have a happier and healthier relationship.