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What is Demisexuality?

What is Demisexuality?

by Leonard Smith

When I was growing up, you were either straight, gay, lesbian, or bi - now it seems as if the world has opened up its mind and eyes to other spectrums of sexuality. You no longer need to be placed into one box that says this is how you feel and this is how you will always feel.

Instead, society and science came together and pulled through for us once again, showing that we can be and feel any damn way we want to. You no longer have to always be straight or always be gay, you don’t even have to be sexual with anyone if you don’t feel up to it.

The Meaning of Demisexuality

Demisexuality means that you aren’t sexually attracted to someone until you have developed a strong emotional connection with them. Typically, demisexual people aren’t attracted to any specific gender but instead, they can fall in love with whomever they develop a connection with.

However, being a demisexual means that you don’t have sexual desires for anyone, at all, lest you should create a bond with that one specific person.

It’s safe to say that if you’re looking for someone to be loyal and faithful to you for better or for worse, you must marry a demisexual person. 

Traits & Characteristics of a Demisexual Person

Sex is just not as important

Demisexuals are somewhere between asexual and sexual, meaning they typically only enjoy sex or making love once they’ve developed feelings for that person they are making love to. Sex is just not as important to them as creating a loving relationship.

Friends before lovers

Those who consider themselves demisexual take pride in developing a friendship before things ever get heated. They aren’t even sexually attracted to them or anyone at all for that matter unless things do get heated.

So if you fall in love with someone who is demisexual and you can’t wait to put your hands all over her - you better make a damn good best friend first.

Emotional connections over anything

One of the most tell-all signs of someone who is a demisexual is the fact they don’t care about looks, sex, money, or what he drives but instead they care only about that connection they share with their partner.

Since they only become aroused after the bond, it’s no wonder they would want to sit around on the couch with you all night watching reruns of The Titanic and The Notebook instead of going out to get drunk on a Friday night. This is what is building up to that ‘Friday night’ for them.

Looks really won’t matter 

While it’s human nature for men and women alike to be attracted to beautiful things, someone who considers themselves demisexual doesn’t fall into the trap of a good looking man or woman. You’ve got to have much more for them to let you in their pants.

Demisexual: On the Asexual Scale

One might ask “where would demisexual fall on the scale of sexuality?”, is it considered to be part of the LGTBQ community? How does this differentiate from someone who is waiting until marriage?

On a scale of sexuality, a demisexual person is a part of the asexual community, on the mere fact that they do not experience sexual attraction to anyone at any given time until of course, they are in love or deeply rooted in that one person.

They are therefore not the same as someone who waits until marriage because someone who is waiting still experiences temptations and naughty thoughts. They have sexual desires just like any other human, they only know how to contain themselves more than the average being.

Demisexuals, on the other hand, can not feel that physical attraction or pull at all.

This means they aren’t part of the LGTB community either, and mainly because they were placed on the scale of asexuality, and not on the spectrum of who you are attracted to - since it’s much more of the opposite for a demisexual person - as they aren’t attracted to anyone.

 It’s a tad bit confusing, but we get it, they don't care about sex much like asexuals don’t care about sex, while the rest of the world are sex-obsessed maniacs.

It makes sense that these two sexualities who aren’t about physical attraction would be placed together on the same scale.

Are Demisexuals Straight or Gay? Gender Fluid?

This is why we say that being a demisexual won’t fall into the hands of the LGTB community, you aren’t one specific gender that only likes one specific gender.

They identify as themselves, or they may be a gender-fluid lesbian, regardless of who they are and who they love - demisexuality has nothing to do with that.

Just like a man or woman who is straight or gay could be asexual, the same applies to those who identify as demisexual.

While it’s a fact that most people who do identify as demisexual are attracted to whoever it is they bond with, you can still be completely straight and not have sexual desires until you meet the man or woman of your dreams.

Bonding with A Demisexual

We stated earlier that if you’re someone looking for a loyal, faithful man or woman that hasn’t been around the block, you need to bond with a demisexual. Perhaps you yourself should are a demisexual if that is the case?

Bonding with a demisexual will be your ammo to win over their heart, but don’t think for one second that you can fake it and still get in their pants.

Those who consider themselves to only have sexual attraction after a bond has been developed will know in and out, true and through if the emotions are there or not.

They’ve waited their whole lives to find that one specific person to develop with and become an emotional partner to - chances are they will find you out before you even get started if you think you will lie to them about your connection.

It’s best to be serious, and ready for commitment if you really love someone who considers themselves a demisexual person.

Signs that You May be Demisexual

While it may sound ‘easy’ to tell where your sexuality lies, that’s not always the case. Take for instance when someone who is gay or lesbian first comes out, it can be a very confusing time for them.

Furthermore, how do you differentiate the fact of just being open-minded and being demisexual? Read on to find out some sure-fire signs that you (or someone you love) is a demisexual.

  1. You don’t like physical touching, much, at all..maybe once you’ve declared your love for your partner and they’ve declared theirs for you 4 years into the relationship. But in general, you just don’t want to touch or be touched.
  2. You grew up feeling totally different than others. For female demisexuals you may notice that your friends were more active than you growing up when it came to sex or sexual endeavors. For males, you realized you didn't think with your penis like the rest of the boys in your grade.
  3. You truly value your emotional bonds with others and would much rather have that over any sexual experience, ever.
  4. The only time you have ever enjoyed or thought about or longed for sex is when you were really emotionally attached to someone.
  5. You’ve been called a prude more times than you can count. Sadly, those who identify as demisexual are often looked at as prudes or stuck-up when it’s quite the opposite.
  6. You’ve always longed for a deep, long-term relationship, even at a younger age but touching and sex never crossed your mind (or at least, not much)
  7. You’ve never been one to hook up with randoms, flirt and make out in the club, and even in a relationship it takes a lot for you to want to kiss them, let alone lay down with them.
  8. When and if you do ever get aroused, it’s just not a big deal to you and the feeling can subside without “fixing” the problem, unlike most other people who have to have sex or masturbate to relieve themselves.

While there are many other signs, these are all great ways to identify as a demisexual if you fit these 8 signs. Don’t worry, while the term Demisexual is new, you are not alone. There are hundreds, if not millions, of others out there that feel the same way you do.

Comments

jess k

January 6, 2020, 1:10 am | rating 0rating 1rating 2rating 3rating 4

OMG!! I've always thought I was just a weirdo or something, that didn't like sex....until I met my now hubby who I never wanted to "get with" until we got married. Now it all makes sense to me!!!! I'M A DEMISEXUAL! you wrote "you've been called a prude more times than you can count" that is soooo me. thank you thank you thank you for writing this!!! I feel like I rediscovered myself or somethin' ;)

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